Vulnerable…That is how I feel. Raw and exposed without the energy for the socially acceptable layers of pretense. I stand in front of this group of ladies, each so wonderfully and perfectly made, and I know that I need to share honestly and authentically. When I was asked to speak at this event I was still in that positive, beginning of the year, summer holiday mindset. I believed that 2019 will be my year of stability, serenity, you know, a year for ME just as I prayed for and claimed. A year of indulgence, rest and relaxation. But I also prayed for a year of growth. And I think this is why I now have the opportunity to share the deepest parts of me with this group of ladies. Because maybe our Savior is less concerned about the superficial layers of worldly pleasures and more involved in the dissonance needed for us to uncomfortably grow in faith. However I don’t feel strong enough, worthy enough.
I was once requested to not share so much about the pain and reality of our story when speaking at events because it upsets people. I then created a metaphor for our journey, still inspiring and serving a purpose. People enjoyed my speaking and relayed to the story. However I always felt uncomfortable afterwards, can I truly say that I allowed the emotional exposure needed to let the Spirit do the work. Or did my image, persona and ego stand in the way of His light shining through the brokenness of me?
When I started praying for the theme of this event, things were unraveling rapidly in our lives. Juneldè’s constant pain escalated to where she was screaming out like a wounded animal for a good 16 hours of every day and night. Dispersed with moments of softer moaning. For months now we have been consulting with so many doctors, all unable to provide solutions. And defeated we had to yet again take her home in anguish. Job security was shaken as our breadwinner faces restructuring and possible redundancy of his position. How will we survive without this financial security Lord? Really this isn’t fair! And then an attempted highjacking/smash-and-grab (not sure what the true intent was) where I realise divine protection of Julius’s life is the testimony rather than the event. However, I am shaken to my core. I feel unstable, rocking, hiding, grabbing desperately to any escape – wine, sugar, books, series, movies. Moments of reprieve from this hurtful life.
But back to praying; Lord what do you want me to share with this group of your children? Tell them about the audaciousness of Hope and the vulnerability of Love, came the soft voice of His whisper to my soul…But God, I don’t think I can. I am so close to breaking and losing the tight control on my image! What do I know of Hope and Love? You know…He whispered softly. You know about audaciousness and vulnerability. Talk about that, because I need you broken. Your brokenness is where I truly shine.
Oh my Lord, I am not ready! Yet here I stand, sharing my unworthiness, uncleanliness, ugly humanity and sin. And He gently communicates His worth, purity and Godliness to every woman in this group.
My testimony is less important than my willingness to expose every part of my failing, human heart. This year has allowed me to sink even deeper into the dissonance between this world and His world. His world is eternal, our world is fragile, broken, exposed…The enemy wants us empty, alone, shriveled up in the believe of our isolation. We are however NOT alone…
I have hidden away between the four walls of my home, until even they felt too exposing. Too loud to the narrowness of my own will to fight, conquer and even just endure. Between the safe blankets of my bed I found a reprieve. Playing hide and seek with Him like Adam and Eve.
Yet, as I look into the eyes of His special children, I realise that the enemies’ master plan is to divide and conquer. Let us not put our own image before His message. Let us have the confidence to expose ourselves emotionally in order for others to embrace their fragility.
It is for this reason alone that He needs us vulnerable. Vulnerable enough for us to recognize our divine calling. My calling is not to show you how determination, a polished image and positivity outlives the hard times.
None of it is about me…It’s all about Him. I am willing to shed the comfort of my ego, competent superficial veneer and shallow understanding of love and hope. Cracked open to the core of me as it blends and become more of Him. Will you allow me the opportunity to share our journey?
**If you want me to speak unfiltered and unpretentious at your next event or to your corporate group or team please contact me today.