i am rhonel

This blog shares my sacred journey through tragedy.  I was called for audacious hope whilst grieving a living loss.  And I had to choose – will I be better or bitter? 

In the still of the night, when only the noise of my thoughts keep me awake, I find myself asking this question: Where are you God?

In hindsight it is a better question than Where is God? But in that moment I very much resemble my four year old toddler with my pity party for one. Because this question, even though authentic, is also very much attention seeking. As if God would play hide and seek with me.

When Julius was retrenched the reality of it all came crashing down in waves. As the end of July drew near the disconnect between my spirit, body and soul became more pronounced. My spirit knew that it will all be okay, and that God wasn’t caught unawares by this closing door. However the insecurity of where to next and the maelstrom created by our breadwinner being without a future income tested body and soul. Anxiety was bubbling to the surface of my already delicately balanced control. All while having to make almost impossible medical decisions regarding Juneldè.

Even though I thought He was quiet truthfully He was planning our future all while teaching me to trust Him fully, wholly and completely.

During this time I received a phone call from a friend sharing that God woke her early one morning to tell us that He hasn’t forgotten about us. This message was balm to my weary soul but again my toddler state of mind challenged Him; why doesn’t He tell me himself? She also shared some other messages and asked me to test it first. I didn’t need to however because it was almost word for word a conversation Julius and I had about fighting our giants. And just the following day another friend knocked on the door with a basket readily prepared for communion. We prayed for Juneldè and drenched her in anointing oil whilst Father confirmed the exact same message that He surely wanted me to hear. He has not forgotten us. This didn’t catch him unawares…And slowly but surely I started seeing Him calm our storm. The waves subsided and the wind obeyed His voice.

The following Sunday special prayer warriors whom have been praying for us continuously came to visit. It was the first time that we have personally met and over chocolate cake and coffee a sweet communion between His children happened. They prayed for His word over us and shared Matthew 6: 25-34 & Matthew 8:5-13 as the Spirit shared with them.  The message was clear: He will never forsake us and we must hold on to the promise of healing for Juneldè.

Just the next day Julius had his first interview for what ended up being the wide open door that only God could have opened and let us walk through. Julius started on the 2nd of September in this new role and truly I can testify that God is always on time and His plans always divine. Without being retrenched and subsequently a strict Restraint of Trade lifted from Julius’s contractual obligation with his previous employers, he would not have been able to take on this new position. Truly, my lesson in trust hit home…

There once was a young boy growing up in an atheist household. But he had something different in His heart and was actively seeking God. His dad grew more and more frustrated with his son’s growing faith and decided to make placards all over the house. It read: God is nowhere. But to his astonishment his son just became more steadfast and bold in His faith. The dad one day threw up his hands in frustration and asked his son how it is possible that he now believes even more than before? Confused the son replied: It’s because of all these placards you put up dad. It says: God is now here.

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It is in the space between now and here that we rekindle our trust in Him. It is in this space that our faith is restored and our hope renewed. In this space we bow our knees and quiet our busy minds, doubts and fears. It is in this space that retrenchment, suffering, pain, weariness, cerebral palsy, near drowning, financial burdens and grief evaporates. It is in this space that we grow boldly.  This space is called faith…

Where are you God?

“I am Now Here my child…Always with you…”

Can you hear His soft whisper?

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