i am rhonel

This blog shares my sacred journey through tragedy.  I was called for audacious hope whilst grieving a living loss.  And I had to choose – will I be better or bitter? 

This year…well, it’s been one for the books! Maybe it fits more into the horror section of my library, or even the psychological thriller genre. But definitely a very memorable story. And through it all I’ve been fighting, to not give up, to not give in, to be resilient and have grit. To smile in perseverance and be strong for my family. To rise above and find the power within. I’ve put up a good fight. But alas it was not sustainable. Because I’ve been trying to do it all on my own…

As the news came of the surgery I have to undergo in December I wasn’t prepared for the emotional waves that came with it. The finality of the word hysterectomy. Yes, it is a private matter but I have to share it by its name in order for it to make sense in this writing. You see, I was holding on to steadfast hope of another baby. And if I am being honest, a blonde baby girl. And as I am coming to terms with letting go of this dream the loss and grief for Juneldè’s altered reality came crashing down in full force. I wasn’t prepared for this. The two doesn’t relate at all does it? How do I make sense of my teary emotional disposition? But it all felt like finally giving up…My head and heart miles apart and my gut stuck in silent action mode. Ticking of the long list of “to do’s”. I cannot even pray, my spirit finally so defeated that words fail. I am weak, and in self-loathing I forget to apply the self-kindness and grace that I advocate in coaching.

Questions overwhelm in its determined mental loop. What if this is the wrong decision? What if I take away God’s ability to perform a miracle? What if by allowing this surgery I actually finally am giving up? Giving up on hope, on faith…

Giving up…

Suddenly the words struck me in its power. GIVING – in order to give you have to let go first. Letting go of the things you are holding on to. In my case control. I had to open my tight fist and allow the questions and emotions to flow. Flow freely to Him. Because giving is also sharing. Sharing my fears, doubts, hurt and pain. Sharing my weaknesses and challenges. My deepest shadows. Yes, emotional healing starts by giving.

UP…And when I finally gave and opened my hand I could let go. When sharing my messy humanness I had to remember to give it UP. Not to others around me but to Him who is strong when I am weak. Who is sovereign, in control, solid, awesome, powerful, wise. My protector and healer.

And so I GAVE UP…The floodgates opened and peace rained on me. ‘Don’t be afraid’ – these words appear in the Bible 366 times. One reminder for every day and 1 extra for the day you need to hear it twice. I haven’t utilised my 366 reminders fully this year, so I have some extra for every day left of 2020. And therefore in the giving up, I give over…My understanding I give over to Him. My fears I give over to Him. My grief and pain and concerns and tears I give it over to Him. My failures – HIS. My angst – HIS. My worries – HIS. I will not be afraid!

I pray that you too will give up. Open your tight fist and raise your head to focus on Him. Don’t be afraid…

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