I have been silenced by the chaos in my heart and mind. Struggling to explain the noise of my own helplessness and the inability to quiet the fear that overtakes. I see her regress even as we fight a little harder. I am conscious of the passing of time and the societal expectation of settling in, moving on; coming to grips with…Yet I cannot. My grief intensifies as the layers of denial is chipped away. An axe hammering into the steadfast vision of hope. Tired, fatigued and battle weary I remain. Questioning the purpose of that which is now ours. Where lies the boundary between special and ordinary as I seek more of the mundane and less of this specialness I could do without. Time refuses to stand still and the great divide becomes even greater. As her preteen body develops my chest constricts with impossible decisions. How do I decide. Do we ride this wave of hormonal flux or do we get ahead of the inevitable? Unsettled becomes her status quo; uneasiness choking my motherly intuition. I cannot explain, or share, or find the words to instill some insight into our normal. However I might swallow silent tears as I see her peers. My spirit understands but my soul is weary. I feel torn, divided, removed, disconnected. A strong force pulling me from the rhythms and familiarity of aging. Her development wholly unique, her progression a continuous dance taking us back and forth. The things most take for granted; sleeping, eating, socializing, bodily functions and facial expressions mock us yet remain out of reach. A constant quest refusing to be conquered. The line between mother and child is blurry, how do I distinguish between our identities if her very existence depends on my intuitive ability to sense her needs?
A tug of war, a push and pull, a heaviness yet it all seems superficial. To fully connect with life again, to invest when it can all be taken away so easily, so quickly, so utterly? O God, I need you to teach me… To pull me back from this place of desperation. To separate my emotions from my being. And to connect to Your Being again. I want to reach out to you in the stillness, silence and solitude of the One that transcends, transforms and forgives. Shine your Light in this moment upon my uncertainties and doubts… I need you Lord.