i am rhonel

This blog shares my sacred journey through tragedy.  I was called for audacious hope whilst grieving a living loss.  And I had to choose – will I be better or bitter? 

I didn’t want to write this piece. I don’t want to make anyone feel guilty about their lives and kids and let’s call it by its name – normalcy. But when chatting to a friend I knew it needed to be said.

I shared with her that the first day of school every new year is tough on me. Logging into social media is as traumatic as being a witness to a terrible car accident. You cannot seem to look away. You cringe on the inside, you struggle to breathe, it seems to happen in slow motion but you cannot make it stop. Yet you keep looking on…All the smiling faces, new stationary, bags and school uniforms. And then a week or so later the athletics. Vibrant, mobile kids running their hearts out.

And then I feel like such a fraud, I am not someone you should be inspired by. There  is envy and jealousy in my heart. A deep yearning and grieving loss. I wish I can send my child to school. I wish I could have been shedding a tear at her independence to be in grade 3 allready. And then feeling a great relief at finally being able to get into the school routine after a too long holiday.

Yet that is not my reality. That is not true for us. Instead I had to see my child struggling through a drug wean. We have to lower her Ativan dosage this year in a tapered approach. And I have to hold my screaming, vomiting, spasming, sweating child that is going through acute withdrawals.

Expectation, envious observation, comparison…These are the root of discontent and unhappiness. Not expecting your reality to look like someone elses, observing your life for what it is and not what you wish it should have been. And never ever comparing yourself to the small glimpses you see of others’ lives;  this outlines the necessary steps towards contentment.

In a sense the first day of shool taught me a valuable lesson, and it set out my curriculum and homework towards self development this year.  Stop comparing and stop envying – as easy as that.

One thought on “The first day of school

  1. Lenie Lubbe says:

    WOW!! Rhonel, soos altyd gee jy ons weereens iets om te oordink!! Ek as Stefani’q se ouma voel ook soms – hoekom – ek kyk na Chantelle se vriendinne se gesonde kids – en my hart huil… maat dan lees ek jou blog en ek voel inspired by your words!! Julle is in ons gebede!! Xx

    Like

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